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3rd October 2006

7:43am: My bad.
4 or 5 weeks ago I met Danny. I like Danny. He and I have fantastic conversations and fun witty banter. A few days latter of course we start sleeping together. It was good, and it was more than just sex. And we spent far too much time together - it was a whirlwind holiday romance for a week. But it was Danny's holiday and so after a week of fun times Danny heads home to Stanford, San Francisco. We both miss each other though, so we skype often, play World of Warcraft together, and about 10 days or so after he's left I make plans to fly over and see him during my holidays in a couple of weeks time...

I thought that Danny had made it pretty clear that he didn't want a long distance relationship... I'd tried to sus him out on the subject while he was here by saying things like "I guess this can't go anywhere coz U live too far away" and hoped that he would dis-agree, but he never did. I wasn't about to ask outright because I didn't want to be quite that psycho to someone I'd just met that week. And then when he left he made a point of saying that I should feel free to have sex with other people and that he would be doing that... He did say that he'd come back in December to Sydney to visit me, but made a point of saying that it was also about visiting all his other friends here. Then a couple of weeks after he got back (right after I'd planned to go over there) it turns out he can't make it in Dec, but he'll try to come in Jan - so I start changing my plans for Jan (was gonna be in Perth) so I can be here for him then and then a few days latter he can't make it in Jan either but spring break he'll come. A few days after that Spring break is a big maybe to. And I notice that on Skype he's more distracted, has more people in his room and things going on. I know he's busy with college stuff and I totally don't mind, but then I get this sms after I had msged him that says "God damn it Ash, stop making me send expensive international text messages"... so I did stop making him send the messages. I just backed off.

And when Joce, a guy I'd been chatting to on MSN from gaydar for about 4 months, really pushed to meet me - I thought that it would be crazy not to meet him for Danny's sake since nothing was going to go anywhere with him anyway... Joce, I now know after meeting him, is sexy as hell. We like each other a lot and a couple of days latter (now 2 days before I fly out to San Fran) he stays the night.

So, clearly the sensible thing in my mind was to preserve the chance with Joce when I get back by not sleeping with Danny while I'm away... BUT, how to tell Danny - since I know he's expecting a {{{lot}}} of action while I'm there. :S Well I sent him an email. 10 mins latter he called me - kinda angry and upset and apparently I've grossly misjudged his level of interest in me. He felt that I was the one who hadn't wanted the long distance thing :( He seems to feel really cheated and betrayed :(

Oy, I do like to get myself into messy situations don't I :S I fly out to San Francisco in 6 hours now. I don't know what I feel or what I want. I'm angry with myself for not trusting a little more in Danny and waiting at least till after I'd been over there to meet someone else... But I'm also very happy I met Joce - and if I wasn't going away I wouldn't be thinking twice about pursuing things with him wholeheartedly.

I guess there isn't much more I can say. I'll post again when I get back with an update incase anyone actually cares what happens.
Current Mood: uncomfortable

16th June 2006

7:58am: laughter
occasionally I find the world gives me such a good laugh I honestly think all the misery might be worth it just for this one spectacular moment of pleasure... Thought I'd share this little gem with you all :)

"In other news, Mr Bush is to take Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi - a huge Elvis Presley fan - to Memphis, Tennessee, for a pilgrimage to Graceland on June 30. Mr Koizumi serenaded Mr Bush with I Want You, I Need You, I Love You at a birthday party for the President last year." - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,19480115-401,00.html
Current Mood: amused

28th May 2006

11:38am: X Men 3
Disappointing - but still worth seeing.
I liked the plot - but the direction and the editing were sub-par by comparison to the previous 2 X Men movies. The twist at the end was neat tho :) (if you go see it make sure you don't leave till after the credits finish rolling - theres an extra little bit...) I'll probably only watch it one more time at the cinema - would have planned to see it 3 or 4 times if it was good.

Next movie Im looking forward to Cing is http://www.sydneyfilmfestival.org/plugins/filmmanager.cgi/main/view?id=13
Let me know if U wanna come with...
Current Mood: dorky

27th May 2006

12:01pm: work
I'm at work. Work is boring.
Tonight I'm goin to see Xmen3 :D
Went to the Opera house for the first time eva this week (Dominic was in the Choir)
Bought the World of Warcraft Boardgame last Friday - need to arrange a time to have some ppl over and play hehe...
None of my friends have been posting on their live journals lately. Where'd ya all go guys?
I'm eating a Hero Chicken Roll for lunch. They are so deliciously revolting :S
ok, going now. bye.
Current Mood: full

5th April 2006

12:58am: home
I'm back in Sydney :)
nuff said.
Current Mood: enthralled

13th February 2006

10:10pm: Eating my own chocolates...
K, so it had been under 2 weeks and I'm not gonna be completely heartbroken or anything... But still, dumped at 10pm on Feb 13th kinda bites :S
Current Mood: rejected

29th January 2006

10:05am: Overdue.
Its been a year since I wrote in here. God what an awful year. My dad died. I left Sydney and I'm back in Perth. I didn't find a stable relationship. I didn't save any money. I didn't finish the year at Uni.

Now its January. The new year is well underway (and today is Chinese New Years)... I've only made one resolution this year - get to the gym regularly. I'm doing ok so far - I've been about 5 days a week on average since Jan 1.

I was getting pretty down in the dumps in December and the first week or two of January, I had nothing to acheive each day and I really didn't want to take any of the management jobs Frontline Retail wanted me to interview for. So I've gone back to Betts and got myself a full time job. Its {{{fucking exhausting}}} work, but it requires no mental effort at all and it gets me out of the house each day and brings in a little income. Plus some of the staff there are old friends from when I worked there 5 years ago... I'll get bored of it within a month or two, but for now its a healthy move for me.

Today I'm gonna go to the gym and then phone a few ppl and make plans for this arvo/evening. Skippy just got back from his 7 week round the world family holiday - if he has time free I'll try to catch up with him.

Australia Day fireworks were moderately enjoyable. I wanted to have someone there to cuddle while I watched them tho and I didn't have. Guess I don't have anything else to say right now.

Peace, Ash.
Current Mood: drained

22nd January 2005

9:58am: happy
There really is no "pick me up" to compare with a hot first date. :) I met Mark www.gaydar.com.au/mark_west375 yesterday. We had lunch, watched 2 dvds and went out to Oxford St for the night. He's cute, he's fun loving, he makes me laugh and he has this adorable infectious smile... *melts*

hm, wonder if theres a chance.
Current Mood: giggly

23rd October 2004

12:32pm: RU frightened? No?! K, I can fix that for you...
Noticed the price of oil lately? ;) We're fucked. About 4 billion people are going to die. Soon. And no, we westerners are not the most likely to survive. Have a plesant day now!
Current Mood: predatory

8th October 2004

8:20pm: sex, religion and...
Well the election is on. Right now. As I type this very bastion of truth and light to you, across the nation tens of thousands of people are queued up and fed up. And about to be asked "have you voted yet at this election?". To which they'll most likely make some snide irritable remark. Unless of-course english isn't their first language, in which case they'll stand there with blank faces looking confused for about 5 mins while some poor sod feebly tries to explain to them that its important that they haven't voted at this election twice. Which of course they haven't, but they have to be asked the question anyway for legal reasons. *holds head in frustration remembering working in the last election* I'm not in the queue's yet. That delightful pleasure can wait until I finish work at 5:30. I'll be rushing across the street to town hall hoping that I get there in time to get through and vote before polls close at 6. *crosses fingers* None the less, while I may not yet be standing in the queue, I am already fed up. I get grumpy enough at work most Saturday's anyway. But today it looks like stoopid australia is about to return stoopid old bushy brows to the lodge. I swear, I just don't understand how a PM who has lied to the nation, shat on our cultural value of helping the underdog, made us a bigger terorist target than we needed to be and spent more time slurping up sloppy juices from George Bush's brown eye than Keating spent rooting the economy, can gain more popularity than Mark Latham. I mean, granted, Markie may not be the most remarkable of men. He may not have the looks to dance in Chippendale. He may not have the brains to beat me at Settlers of Cattan(although if you'd like to try Mr Latham, post a comment on my journal and I'll get back to ya ;)) And ok, his fashion sense, charisma and political savy may all need a little tweaking. But seriously Mark, mate... maadddttee!!! C'mon!!! Whats goin on?!? You should have been a shoe in!! Look at what you're stacked up against here. I mean there are so many opportunities to go for the jugular on the incumbent Prime Mongrel its not funny. It has to be said. Mark Latham, you've failed. Sure political commentators accross the country say he out debated and out campaigned old Johnny boy. But them apples don't count for much when all the polls seem to show that Liberal is gonna squeeze back in - whether its by a reduced majority or not. The majority is the majority regardless of how much its by. And heres how I think Mark Latham failed. He tried to play the nice guy. *does best impression of Red Simons whacking the gong*... He failed to get angry. I really think he ought to have don't you? Lets face it, theres plenty to be angry with Howard about. In his terms in office he's lied repeatedly (children overbaord, WMD in Iraq, etc...), hes refused to listen to the issues that Australian people showed great strength and passion voicing as important (reconciliation with indigenous peoples[sorry rallies - remember those??], protests against globalisation[remember s11 in Melbourne?], increasing concern over {{{ridiculous}}} hospital waiting lists and the wanton wholesale destruction of medicare. Remember when there was all that upcry a year or two (maybe three - I'm getting old, my mind ain't what it used to be, lol) about the shocking state of aged care? Remeber all this stuff?!?!? Remeber Howard {{{refused}}} to appologize to the stolen generation?? Remember that he pushed through legislation banning gay marriage?? Remember the free trade agreement with the states, and the governments ongoing drive towards globalisation?? Remember that you're granny will be waiting a few more years in bed before she can get that new hip because howard's government has presided over the worst shortage of trained health care professionals and the most closed beds in hospitals both public and private that our country has ever encountered?? REMEMBER????? No you don't do you. *sigh* See thats the thing. We have short attention spans. {{{Really}}} short attention spans here in Oz. All this huge stuff has happened in the last decade, and we've all cursed that stammering little man plenty of times over to an early grave, but we've let it go. We forgot about it all. And since the nice obliging media have been kind enough to the government not to drag up too much of this muck again during the campaign it {{{should}}} have fallen to Mr Latham to do so. But I guess he's either as forgetfull as the rest of the nation or he was just too chicken. Seriously, I believe if he'd gone on the attack in a big way - been downright hopping mad at howard at every opportuinty, even risked coming off as petulant, most aussies would have thought about it and understood why. Most importantly, this would have gained him lots of media attention, lots of exposure and people would either love him or hate him, instead of the somewhat indifferent impression most people seem to take now. At the very least he would have come off as strong. He certainly dosen't look strong now. I think Latham retreated into a shell after the trouble about his abusing a taxi driver and worked too hard on the "sweet and soft" image at the expense of strength. So go on Australia, subject yourself to another term of filthy liberal thugs. And enjoy it too. Just make sure you all go ahead and forget how awful peter costello is before the next election ok? *pouts* And that's my 2 cents worth for today.
*steps off soapbox*
Current Mood: stressed

2nd October 2004

12:27pm: Its the weekend.
up late with Albert ;)
but angry
spent about half an hour scouring some guy's puke (exorcist style projectile super gross evil shitty chunky puke) from my bathroom before I could have a shower this morning. hands still smell like bleach. why does bleach smell like cum?
at work... little bit bored... replay of some old NRL grand final (melb storm vs st george, must be old becoz there is ansett advertising on the grounds)is playing loudly on the telly downstairs. 2nd week in a row enduring sports at work. bloody mick simmons. bloody NRL fans. bloody breeders. *seethes*
want to go home (& sleep)

meeting some of Albert's friends and playing board games tonight :). if can manage to not fall asleep it should be a gr8 night!!

In other news, centrelink {{{still}}} haven't processed my fricking youth allowance application. And the damn ATO {{{still}}} haven't deposited my tax refund. And I {{{still}}} haven't won lotto... I am sooooooo poor *cries*.
Current Mood: sleepy

25th September 2004

2:26pm: Everyone put on your best flannel shirt, eat meat pies and grunt at the ref.
Addendum to today's post...

The mind numbingly daft brutish gits in the downstairs part of my work just turned off the radio a few moments ago. At first I was a little relieved. I'm not a big nova listener at the best of times, but it really wasn't the kinda music I am in the mood for today. Never-the-less, the situation steadily progresses from bad to worse - I'm sorry to report it is now apparent their sole reason for turning the off evil banal nova rubish was to turn up the volume on the telly instead so everyone can be subjected to the torture of the AFL Grand Final. Please, someone take pity on me, resuce me from this cesspit of trumped up gross aussie testosterone. I can't watch AFL!! I feel dirty. I need a shower. I need to scrub away the shame *cries*
9:54am: Dum dee dum
Its 10am Sat. I'm at work. No customers yet. Its cloudy and icky looking outside so I don't expect it'll be very busy today. So anyhow, here is my weekly post...

Life... is really really weird!! Alright, let me try to explain. I {{{think}}} I {{{almost}}} have a new b/f. lol. Insane hey?! I feel happy, but also really kinda a bit bad. I'm just so scizo sometimes I swear. *insert best attempt at dazed vague blonde expression here* UC its only been a week since things well and truly ended with Elliot. And I met this new guy, his name is Albert btw, on Thursday night, and well - I really like him. But at the same time I was hanging out in a group with Elliot last night and know I am not at all over him yet. I don't expect to be for a while either. So its not very fair of me to be going meeting new boys. grr - bad bad bad.

Still, thats what I've done. *sigh* And there's no un-doing it now... Albert seems really adorable!! We had a fun night (well, I thought so & I hope he did to, lol). I felt like I clicked with him on a bunch of things. we have lots of stuff in common... Neither of us like to go out on the scene too often. We both love Risk (and he hasn't played settlers yet, but I can't wait to show him how, hehe) We both listen to mix 106.5. In other words, we are both total nanna's (And proud to be too :P). So we had Italian for dinner on Glebe Pt Rd, and then wandered around chatting for a while. He drove me home and we had a goodnight kiss *does a little dance* hehe *blushes*

Well he's in Auckland for the weekend for work. He gets back on Mon. And we're gonna catch up Tues arvo coz he'll finish work in the city early :) :) :) I was trying to decide yesterday arvo whether to sms him to say have a good flight and a fun weekend etc... I was thinking it might come accross as too keen, but I really wanted to. Anyhow, Nonie advised me to leave it be. He said, you never know - he might sms you... Smart boy that Nonie. hehe. In the end Albert didn't just sms me, he phoned me right before he got on the plane to say goodbye for the weekend!! Wowee!! *jumps up and down*

So yeah... Albert :) Um... He's 6'. Hes 23. Hes really cute!! He has a pretty good sounding job, he's explained it too me a few times now, but I'm still not sure I {{{entirely}}} understand what it is he does, but it sounds like its involves a lot of variety and he works with good ppl and stuff - so thats great. He lives with his family in the inner west. Oh, and his parents are opening a new restraunt in a few weeks - sounds pretty exciting!! :) His profile is www.gaydar.com.au/ultraniceguy (and best I can tell so far he really really is ultra nice!! *grins*)

K, in other news - last night I went to Will's place for board games. It was good to catch up with Will and Davy. It was a little awkward seeing Elliot, but not too bad. Mostly seeing him just led to that scizo feeling I was talkin about b4. But frankly - the whole night just blew. :/ ... Everyone turned up way late. By the time we had a decent group to actaully play a board game and ppl had eaten it was like 10pm. And then the pot smoking started. Don't get me wrong - I would have smoked a little if it had started earlier myself. I have no problem with the idea of pot smoking - but it destoryed the board game for me. I could see it comming and I sorta said to Will "lets not play now", but he was determined to try and play stoned. And so all that was really left was to try and talk as the game degenerated. But all ppl were talking about was europe and drugs - 2 subjects both guaranteed to piss me off when discussed in excess. At one brief point the conversation reached the dizzying hieghts of Marc's thought on the word cock. But not surprisingly, from that peak of intellectual expression, a rapid decline into further depths of gutter talk led us right on back to drugs. *grumf*. My friends have all turned into drugos. Turns out even Elliot went out and took pills of some kind or another last Saturday night. I just don't want to be close to ppl who live like that.

Now tonight is Fabes and Chris' housewarming party. I feel obliged to put in an appearance - altho I really don't want to see Elliot again, nor do I have any interest in further regailment with stories about Europe. And just incase I wasn't shitty enough about the night - there is significant risk of bumping into Ray Thong with his new b/f Robert. *rolls eyes* So I doubt I'll stay too long. Perhaps Ron's dinner on Sun night holds more promise - at least there'll be ppl I don't know so well there. Meeting new ppl is always good.

This week is spring break. I have every intention of catching up on ridiculously large amounts of study... Wish me luck :)
Current Mood: hyper

18th September 2004

9:43am: letting go.
I'm at work today. Its dead and the store computer has net access, so I'm updating this {{{severely}}} behind journal. I might be able to get on here and type more regular now that I'll be here at the city store where its really dead on my own each and every sat.

What a shit house week. Gave the ultimatum to Elliot last night. Said he needed to be with me or quit being so close that it felt like we were together anyway. I've tried to avoid this for like forever now. I knew he wouldn't choose to give me a chance. But it still hurts to actaully face it. Why won't he fall in love with me? I know I'm not perfect, but I have given him so much, been there so much for him, and I would give him even more if he would want me :~(

I have {{{got}}} to get over him this time. I don't know how, but its a serious matter of emotional survival this time. *sigh* Sometimes I hate him so much for hurting me. I suppose I have to let myself feel that instead of stopping it coz I love him to. I deleted most of the sms's I've been keeping from him. Some of them were more than a year old. I'm such a sook. I'll take the photo's of him out of my diary tonight and put them in my photo album. And in a few days I'll try and delete that last sms. I put up a gaydar profile again. *sigh* www.gaydar.com.au/readme.txt

I have to get a photovoltaics assignment done by Monday. And its the last thing I wanna think about at the moment. I want to let myself cry - but I know if I start it won't stop for weeks and I don't have the time for that right now at Uni. If I haven't emotionally burnt out by next weeks spring break I figure I can put on my Love Actually DVD and have a blubbering session then.

Ahrg!! Its just so dumb. He's lonely and hurting and I'm lonely and hurting. And we can both make each other feel better, but he won't commit to it because he dosen't feel "head over heels" about me enough and wants to have that "fireworks in the sky" kinda romance again. He's so gonna realize that all that infatuation shit don't last long with anyone and he's gonna regret loosing what we have... Grrrr. But I can't wait for that to happen. It could take years - and meanwhile I'm hurting all the time if I don't get over him and watching him going out there exploring. I can't believe I'm saying this, but hell I wish he had got more action in Europe. Maybe then he'd have figured out just how short term and empty it is chasing the dream he's after. And I could cope with him doing that while he was away. But I won't cope when he gets with someone else here in Sydney.

I need to get out there myself and get laid. Numb myself to all this shit a bit. Hopefully.

k, enough whinging - I am at work - I should try to earn my keep I suppose.
Current Mood: depressed

4th August 2004

9:33pm: ELEC1011
k, heres a thought - lets try to write a post that isn't hideously twisted and bitter?? what is with me when I type? I must be a seriously negative person, lol... Contrary to appearances from re-reading prior posts, I actually can be happy sometimes!! I'm not miserable right now. that's a good starting point isn't it?

Well I'm in Uni now. its good. strange but good. I'm also working in a new casual job on Saturday and Sunday selling treadmills (whoopee). I haven't actually had a day off in a few weeks. I leave for Hong Kong in a week. That's gonna be gr8!! Sure I have all kinds of worries about what it'll be like over there with Elliot, but it still will B awesome to have a holiday :)

The only big deal in my life right now is trying to figure out whether it would be best to push myself to complete all 24 UOC I enrolled in at the begining of session or maybe just drop back to 18 UOC...

I am a little boring tonight. this is all I really have to post.

see, when I'm not being bitter I'm just dull *sigh*
Current Mood: okay

9th July 2004

9:39am: busy busy day
wake up early despite day off. shower, get things together - must not forget to take... 1. birth certificate 2. various bills and pay slips containing address and full name etc. 3. change of clothes for after gym and other gym related parafinalia. leave for gym by 10:30 - try to find soemwhere to buy zovirax for evil stress related cold sore that has errupted - finish at gym by 12:30. get to uni by 1:00. get student ID card (with new pic of me with afore mentioned evil cold sore *grumpf*) and leave uni by 2:00 so I can get to paddington post office by 3:00 for passport interview. walk from paddington post office to STA travel near Puma to pay remaining amount ($250.00) for ticket to Hong Kong. catch bus to Bondi Junction and go to doctor to get results of blood tests last week. {{{try}}} to arange something social to do this evening to prove I have some kind of a life.

so... wish me luck. I'm running late already, lol
Current Mood: irritated

4th July 2004

5:41pm: Blah day
Work today was dull beyond the english language's capacity for expression. *sigh* Now I know that I'm leaving in a few weeks I just have no motivation or concern for the store anymore. I just want to get it over with. I'm still kinda sick, and that's affecting my mood. So all I did today was think about the things I have to do for Uni in the next few weeks and day dream about Elliot *slaps own forehead for being stoopid*.

I'm about to get ready to go watch "Mean Girls" at the new Bondi Junction cinema. Don't really expect it to be all that good, but its a chance to pretend I don't really live in this world for a while.

Andrew is away at QC for the week. Ron(Ron_) is also at QC, so I imagine Dan(SyCH) will be around a bit more this week - which is good.

I have {{{got}}} to get my hairy bum moving and apply for a passport ASAP if I'm gonna have any chance of making it to Hong Kong wid Ewwiot.

k, I've whinged enough for tonight.
Current Mood: cranky

3rd July 2004

12:01pm: Time I jumped on the band wagon...
*snuffles*... I have a head cold.
Figure most of my friends are keeping one of these online diary things, maybe its time I got with the program huh?

When I was a kid I was lucky enough to live 2 mins walk from a bloody big patch of bushland. And so if life all got too much (which at the time it seemed to do all too frequently - funny now looking back just how much easier life seemed then) I could wander out into the bush where no one else was around. Completely by myself I would sit there with the cicaidas clicking deafeningly like maniacs all around me and know that if I wanted to I could scream out loud at the top of my lungs and that was ok. I miss that. But I recon writting this now this must be the new millenium equivilent of getting back to nature and getting things off our chests. On here I can do what I want, say what I want, vent however I want... and it'll be ok. So... on with the show.

My life is about to be turned up side down. Er... hello? RU there? RU interesed? Do you care at all? Someone LISTEN to me damn it!! I'm trying to tell you something about me here - and I want you to be interested. Can't you at least pretend that I matter?

I know I'm demanding and expect too much from ppl. But I don't have a family to get attention from, and I am so so tired of being alone. urh.

Well, if you're still reading, whats going on is I have thrown myself in the deep end again. I'm going to Uni. I'm 24 years old. I haven't studied since High School in 1996 and I'm going to go and study this... http://www.student.unsw.edu.au/handbook/programs/3657.shtml
Am I completely insane?!?!?! I am throwing away everything I know and am comfortable with {{{again}}}. Y am I such a matyr? I could just plod along in this life I have right now and be content. But oh no - I have to go and mess it all up with some crazy idea about bettering myself and the world and shit *pfft*. I am so stoopid sometimes. Oh well, no point fighting it I guess. stoopid is as stoopid does. and I'm doin it, so I gotta make the most of it.

I've been keeping a diary for ages. But maybe the idea that someone else might actually read it now will help more than just writting in a book I keep tucked away from everyone for fear of what you might learn about me. My friends think I tell everyone everything. But I really don't. I probably won't tell you everything here either. But you might find a few surprises from time to time.

And that's the end of my rant for today. Because I'm going back to bed now *snuffles loudly*
Current Mood: sick
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